The Businessman's Bride
by J Unleashed
Summary: Based on the story, "The Princess Bride"-Takaba is home with a cold and Asami offers to entertain Takaba by writing a story with him, starring themselves as the main characters. This is the story they wrote... (Contains HUMOR, adventure, romance, kidnapping, mild violence, gun duels, chases, pistol-whipping, torture, death, temporary death, giants, monsters, miracles and true lust)


**IMPORTANT NOTE: the following is a story within a story. The story being written by Takaba and Asami will be in** normal font (like this). **Their side comments about writing the story (and the prologue) will be in ** _italics (like this)_.

**1LDK- is an apartment with one bedroom, and one living room/dining room/kitchen area.**

**Changshan- is a traditional Chinese dress for men.**

* * *

_Prologue_

_Takaba Akihito sat propped in his bed, looking at the small TV screen as he manipulated a game controller in his hands. Right at a critical point in the game when he was about to catch a monster, he heard the door to his bedroom open. He looked toward the door and saw Asami standing there holding a tray, and with something flat tucked under his arm.  
_

_Asami was only wearing a loose pair of light blue lounge pants. No shirt. His hair was shaggy and looked soft. _

_I like it when he looks like this, Takaba thought. Sexy... Too bad I feel like crap..._

_"Sick room!" Takaba yelled at him. "Don't come in here! You'll catch my cold."_

_"I'm not going to catch your cold," Asami said as he walked toward Takaba. He placed the tray on the small table next to Takaba's bed. "Kirishima heard that you were sick. He made this soup for you."_

_"Oh, that was nice of him–_ _AAGH! Damn it! The monster got away!" Takaba scowled as he turned back to look at the screen. "I needed that one, too!"_

_Asami took the game controller out of Takaba's hands and turned the game off._

_"Hey! Give that back to me!" Takaba protested angrily._

_"You're going to rot your brain playing that game all day."_

_"I'm sick and I'm miserable. I'm only playing it so I can forget how crappy I feel."_

_"I have a better idea..." Asami said as he grabbed a small pillow and placed it against the headboard. He got into the narrow bed and sat right up against Takaba._

_"GERMS!" Takaba cried out in warning. "Get out of my bed! I'm not in the mood for this... TRUST ME!"_

_"You're always thinking about sex, aren't you? You're so adorable," Asami smirked. "But that's not what I had in mind."_

_"Oh..." Takaba blushed. "W-what do you have in mind?"_

_Asami removed the flat object from underneath his arm. It was a laptop computer. He placed it on his lap and opened it. "We're going to write a story together, you and I... a story starring us. We'll take turns. I'll write a little bit, and then you'll take over and add to it. This way you never know in which direction this story is going to go. It takes a fair amount of creativity to do this. Do you think you're up to the challenge, Akihito?"_

_"Hmm... I admit, it sounds intriguing. Okay, let me have the laptop."_

_"I'll be going first," Asami said as he started a word processing program._

_"I should go first because I'm the one who's sick!" Takaba argued._

_Asami smirked. "But it's my laptop..."  
_

**. . **

**. . . . . **

**The Businessman's Bride (A Tale Told in Three Parts)  
****By Asami Ryuichi and Takaba Akihito**

_..._

_"Why is your name first?"  
"It's in alphabetical order. Don't take it personally."_

...

~ Chapter 1 ~

**. . **

**. . . . .**

Takaba Akihito worked as a bartender at the local gentleman's bar, Club Sion, in the country of Japan. His favorite pastimes were being a freelance photographer and tormenting his manager, whose name was Asami Ryuichi– but Akihito never called him by his actual name.  
...

_"Wait... you're making yourself a mere manager?"  
"Why the surprise, Akihito? Don't you think that makes for an interesting beginning?"  
"Uh... I guess so..._"

...  
Nothing gave Akihito as much pleasure as teasing poor Asami. "Manager, fix my hair by running your fingers through it. Only your hands can tame my unruly hair."

"As you wish," Asami replied. "As you wish" was all that Asami ever said to Akihito.

"Manager, my neck is feeling sore. Massage my shoulders with your warm hands," Akihito demanded.

"As you wish," replied Asami.

That particular evening, Akihito was amazed to discover when Asami was saying "As you wish", what he was really saying was 'I lust for you'... and what was even more amazing was the night Akihito finally realized he truly lusted for Asami.

"Manager... unbutton my shirt and run your hot tongue across my nipples. Please..."

"As you wish..." Asami slowly unbuttoned Akihito's shirt, and bending down he placed his mouth–  
...

_"Hold on Asami... what the hell kind of story is this?!"  
"It's erotic fiction, obviously."  
"GAH! I should've known! Well... I want to write something now, so gimme that laptop..."  
"As you wish."  
"Stop saying that!"_

...  
Although Asami badly wanted to "do it" with Akihito, he only lived in a 1LDK. His pride wouldn't allow him to bring Akihito back to live with him in such a tiny apartment, so he decided to purchase a fancy penthouse downtown. To be able to make enough money to afford this new place, he packed all his belongings and left Japan to seek his fortune overseas.

But Asami never made it to his destination. He was attacked by the Dread Crime Lord Swindel, who never left his victims alive. When Akihito got word that Asami had been killed, he shrugged his shoulders and went back to his noble job of photographing criminals in the act of committing crimes.  
...

_"You killed me off..."  
"HEH! Yeah..."  
"Give me the laptop..."_

...  
When Akihito heard the news that Asami had been murdered, he went into his room and shut the door. For days he neither slept nor ate.  
...

_"HA! Like THAT would ever happen!"  
"Be quiet Akihito. Let me concentrate on writing..."_

...  
"I will never have sex again," Takaba said sadly. "After all, no one could ever satisfy me the way Asami could..."  
...

_"You're an awful writer Asami... you know that? You'd never be able to make at living at this."_

...  
Five years later, the streets in Shinjuku were crowded as never before. In front of a tacky nightclub stood the sleazy owner, whose name was Sakazaki–  
...

_"The owner's name is Sakazaki...?!"  
"Yes. He's actually a real person... an utter disgrace to the business. Why are you giving me that look? Do you know this man?"  
"Umm... I might've heard his name in passing..."_

...  
"My loyal customers," Sakazaki's voice rang out. "A month from now, my illustrious host club will have its five year anniversary. At sundown on that day, I shall have a mock wedding ceremony and then in front of all of you, I will have sex with a failure of a human being who once roamed these streets, just as you do. But perhaps you will not think he is a failure now. Would you like to meet him?"

"YES!" the crowd roared.

"My loyal customers... our #1 host, Takaba Akihito!" Akihito stepped out of the front door of the club as the crowd cheered.

Akihito's emptiness consumed him. Although being the owner of the club gave Sakazaki the right to non-consensually molest his subordinates, Akihito did not care. And he would not stop Sakazaki from doing whatever he wanted to him–  
_..._

_"Asami... are you out of your freaking mind?!"_  
_"You're the one who forced it in this direction by killing me off."_  
_"I want my turn now. I'm going to have to fix this..."_

...  
Despite having such an awful job and such a HORRIBLE boss, Akihito still did his freelance work on the side. And he made a lot more money at it than being a host... because he was that good at it.

Anyway, one day he was riding his motorbike out to the countryside to take pictures of the sunset, when he was stopped by some tourists who wanted to ask him for directions. One was a Russian who told him his name was Mikhail. Another was a native of Hong Kong, who had long hair and a pretty face. His name was Fei Long. The third was this REALLY huge guy– a giant who was from... somewhere else... who was called Suoh.

The Russian guy said, "We are but poor and lost tourists. Is there a train station nearby?"

"I'm afraid not," Akihito replied. "This is the countryside. There isn't anything around for a long ways."

"Then there will be no one around to prevent us from taking you away from Sakazaki..." All three men slowly approached Akihito in a threatening manner. Suoh suddenly grabbed Akihito and pressed a cloth with a foul-smelling liquid on it to his face, which caused Akihito to pass out–  
...

_"You know, Asami... Suoh really DID do that to me."  
"Yes, I know. Those were such good times..."_

...  
As Suoh and Fei Long were loading an unconscious Akihito into a limo–  
...

_"Why would they be asking for directions to a train station when they already had a limo?"  
"Shut up Asami, and let me write this..."_

...  
As they were loading Akihito into a limo, Mikhail suddenly grabbed Fei Long and ripped a piece off of his changshan.

"How dare you tear my beautiful clothes!" Fei Long glared at Mikhail angrily. "Don't think you can easily have your way with me, you pervert!"

Mikhail leered at Fei Long. "Perhaps later I will earnestly rip the clothes from your body, but for now..." Mikhail placed the torn piece of cloth on the motorbike. "When this photojournalist is discovered missing and the police find his motorbike with this unique cloth hanging on it, they will suspect he was abducted by agents from China. When his dead body is found on the Chinese border, their suspicions will be confirmed!"

"Just a minute," Suoh frowned. "You never said anything about killing anyone. He's seems like such a nice guy. I don't think that would be right..."

"I didn't hire you to think, I hired you to help me start a war between Japan and China!" Mikhail yelled. "Now do your job! I want to reach The Great Wall by dawn–"  
...

_"The Great Wall... in China? How are they going to get from Japan to China in a limo?"  
"It's... one of those James Bond-type limos that turn into a pontoon boat."  
"And you think the Japanese government is going to declare war on China because you were abducted, Akihito?"  
"It's FICTION Asami. Just sit back and marvel at my creativity."  
"So... you're letting yourself be kidnapped by Mikhail Arbatov and Fei Long..."  
"Hey... I put Suoh in there to protect me. Besides, just wait until I get to the part of my daring escape...!"  
"Too bad it's my turn now. Give me the laptop."  
"But..."  
"NOW."_

...  
As they were driving along a deserted dark road somewhere in China, Mikhail aimed the rear view mirror in such a way that he could gaze upon Fei Long's reflection. He noticed that Fei Long kept looking out the back window. "What are you doing?" he asked Fei Long.

"I'm checking to see if anyone is following us," Fei Long replied.

"That would be inconceivable," Mikhail said, rolling his eyes.

"That's what you think..." Akihito said. "My boss will find you and gun you down!"

Mikhail angled the mirror so he could see Akihito. "You should be more concerned about your own life," he smirked before twisting the mirror back to gaze upon Fei Long once more. Fei Long was looking out the back window again.

"Stop doing that Fei! You can relax... we're literally in the middle of nowhere."

"Are you sure no one will try to follow us?" Fei Long asked.

Mikhail chuckled confidently. "Hahaha! No one in China knows what we've done, and no one in Japan could've gotten here that fast." He glanced back at Fei Long. "Just out of curiosity... why do you ask?"

Fei Long turned back around and looked at the reflection of Mikhail's eyes in the mirror and smirked. "Oh, no reason. You keep insisting you know better than me, so I'll just ignore those headlights I see in back of us..."

"WHAT?!" Mikhail adjusted his mirror so he could see the road behind them. He saw two tiny dots of light in the distance. "It's probably just some local farmer... out for a midnight drive... on his way to the local convenience store to buy some beer..." Mikhail looked forward again.

Suoh turned around to look. "I think he's getting closer..."

"There you go, 'thinking' again..." Mikhail grumbled. "What did I tell you about that? Mind the prisoner!"

Just as dawn approached, Fei Long turned around once more. "He's almost caught up to us. Do you still believe he's driving to the convenience store for a beer?"

Mikhail turned around and began to panic–  
...

_"Okay Asami, you've been writing this for way too long. My turn now!"  
"Do you mind if I finish this last sentence?"  
"Yes, I do mind! You'll corrupt this story too much before I get the chance to write my part!"  
"Fine... take it then."_

...  
Looking forward again, Mikhail cried out triumphantly. "HA! He's too late! We've reached The Great Wall... which is on top of that tall cliff! Only Suoh is strong enough to climb his way up! That guy will have to drive for days just to get around it!"

A thick rope was dangling down from the top of the wall, and behind a boulder there was some kind of contraption that Suoh could strap to himself to help him carry three people. He strapped the thingy to himself and they buckled Akihito safely into it before strapping themselves in. Using his strong arms, Suoh began to climb... pulling himself and his three passengers up the rope–  
...

_"Hey! Give the computer back to me Asami!"  
"I suddenly felt inspired. Don't interfere."_

...  
The silver Bentley pulled up to the base of the cliff. A man wearing a finely tailored black suit, and a pair of dark sunglasses which concealed enough of his face that he could not be identified, jumped out of the car and grabbed onto the rope. He began to climb, hand over hand, three times faster than Suoh.

"The Man In Black is climbing the rope!" Fei Long gasped. "And he's gaining on us!"

"Inconceivable!" Mikhail cried out. "Go faster Suoh, or else I won't pay you!"

"I can't go any faster!" Suoh growled. "You do realize I'm carrying three people...?"  
...

_"I wasn't finished Akihito..."  
"Well, you took it from me while it was still my turn. I'm going to finish my damn turn!"_

...  
"Faster!" Mikhail urged Suoh on. "I'll give you more money if you reach the top quickly! A LOT more money!"

Suoh sped up, and before they knew it they had reached the top. Once they reached the top, they peered over the edge. The Man in Black was nearly up the cliff and almost to the base of The Great Wall. One wrong move and the Man In Black would fall to his death. Mikhail quickly whipped out a knife and began sawing at the thick rope. The rope parted with a mighty SNAP! The cut end quickly slithered across the ground and then disappeared over the edge and out of their sight.

Mikhail then–  
...

_"Hey, you grabbed the computer away from me in the middle of a sentence!"  
"You did the same to me Akihito. Besides, I have to prevent you from killing me off again."  
"Ohhh... so YOU'RE the Man In Black. I had no idea... heh!"_

...  
Mikhail, Fei Long, and Suoh looked over the edge and saw the Man In Black clinging to the side of the rocky cliff.

"He's very athletic, isn't he?" Suoh observed.

"He didn't fall?!" Mikhail gasped. "Inconceivable!"

Fei Long turned to Mikhail. "You keep using that word. It's annoying." He peered back over the edge. "Look! He's climbing! That's amazing!"  
...

_"NOW you can have it back, Akihito."_  
_"Yeah... thanks A LOT."_

...  
"Well, whoever he is, he's seen us with Sakazaki's prize host. He needs to be killed. You..." Mikhail turned to Suoh and pointed to Akihito, "Carry him!" He turned back to Fei Long. "We're heading north. Catch up to us once he's dead. If he falls... great. If he doesn't, shoot him with your gun!"

Fei Long pulled out a gun and aimed it at an imaginary target. "I'm going to shoot him with my left hand..."

"We don't have time for you to play around!"

"I want to torture my prey. It will be over too quickly if I shoot him right-handed."

Mikhail huffs. "Whatever..." He and Suoh, who was carrying Akihito, hurried off.

Fei Long practiced by aiming his gun at small birds for a while before looking over the edge again. "You... Man In Black..." he called down. "Do you mind speeding things up a bit? I'm getting bored."

"If you're that anxious for me to get up there, you could do something useful... like lower the rope so I can climb up."

"Sure! I can do that... but you realize I'm going to kill you as soon as you get up here. Still want me to throw the rope down? Maybe I'll tie it tightly to something so you won't fall... or maybe I won't. Who knows? Let's see what happens..."  
...

_"HAHAHAHA! Ahh... okay, Asami... I'll let you have your turn now."  
"That doesn't sound like Fei Long at all. Let me show you how to write him.."_

...  
"No thanks. I'll just climb up on my own," the Man In Black grunted as he slowly made his way up. "You will just have to be patient."

"I'm not the kind of person who waits for anyone. I'll lower the rope for you. I swear on my honor as a member of the Baishe that you will reach the top alive."

"No good. I've known too many members of the Baishe."

"Then... I swear to you on the grave of my father, Elder Liu."

The Man In Black nodded. "Throw me the rope."

Fei Long hurled the rope over the edge. The Man In Black grabbed onto it and climbed to the top.

The Man In Black was quite tired from his climb but he was an honorable man. "Thank you," he said politely before pulling out his gun.

Fei Long was also somewhat of an honorable man. "We can wait until you've rested."

"Again... thank you." The Man In Black holstered his gun and sat down on the ledge to catch his breath.  
...

_"Whaaaat...?! Asami, REALLY?"_  
_"Shh..."_

...

Fei Long also sat down and began staring at the Man In Black's crotch. "I don't mean to pry, but you wouldn't happen to have three testicles, would you?"

The Man In Black was taken aback by the question. "Do you always begin conversations this way?"

"My father was shot by a man who had three testicles," Fei Long told him.

The Man In Black pulled his black trousers tight to show off his package. Fei Long nodded and sighed.

"My father was a great assassin," Fei Long began, "and when a man with three testicles appeared and asked for him to kill a very dangerous rival, my father said he would do this. He spent nearly a year tracking the target down before he finally succeeded. This is the gun he used..." Fei Long handed his gun to the Man In Black.

The Man In Black examined the gun admiringly. "I've never seen its equal," he said as he handed it back.

"My father and I went to the home of the man with the three testicles to receive payment, but the man was only willing to pay one-tenth of the price they had agreed upon. They began to argue over the payment. Before I knew it, the three testicles man drew a gun and shot my father through the heart.

"I loved my father, so of course I challenged the man to a duel. I failed to kill him. The three testicles man left me alive, but he shot me here..." Fei Long opened his shirt and pointed to a scar below his left shoulder.

"How old were you?" the Man In Black asked.

"I was 20. I dedicated my life to becoming the world's best marksman... and also to the study of kung fu, but that's beside the point. The point is the next time I meet him, I will go up to him and say... 'Hello, my name is Liu Fei Long. You killed my father. Prepare to die.'"  
...

_"You're the one who shot Fei Long's father, weren't you? That's why he's got a vendetta against you!"_  
_"I didn't shoot Fei Long's father. I don't understand why no one believes me. And I don't have three testicles... here, let me show you..."_  
_"Just get back to the story. Wow, this is really getting interesting!"_

...  
"I'm ready now," the Man in Black said as he got up to stretch his legs before pulling out his gun. "I sincerely hope you find that man and get your revenge someday."

"That is gracious of you to say," Fei Long said as he looked down at his gun to pull the slide back. "I hate having to kill you–"

The Man In Black suddenly struck the back of Fei Long's head with the butt of his gun, knocking him unconscious. "Yes, and I would hate to die. My apologies, but I'll have to skip our gun duel... for now."

The Man In Black quickly ran off to the north.  
...

_"It's your turn Akihito."_  
_"But there should have been an epic duel here! Man... you just took all the fun out of this story!"_  
_"You're the one to talk. This was supposed to be a sex story."_  
_"Yeah, whatever."_

...

Sakazaki examined the ground on The Great Wall. "Two men, who were expert marksmen were about to have a mighty duel but before it could get underway, one hit the other over the head and knocked him out..." Sakazaki touched the ground where there was a faint indentation in the light coating of sand, "... his body laid here for about an hour. He was sexy, and slightly feminine."

"How do you know that?" asked his henchman, Yantsui.

Sakazaki picked up a very long hair and handed it to Yan. "Only a sexy feminine man would grow his hair this long to show it off." He stood back up and pointed. "The one who was stupid enough to get knocked out, ran off that way... alone. The shrewd one followed those footprints... going north."

"We should follow them both." Yan inhaled the scent of the single hair he was holding. "I'll track this guy..."

"There is no reason to follow him," Sakazaki said, narrowing his eyes. "It's more important I get Takaba back. We're going north."  
...

_"How do you know about Yantsui? He's before your time."_  
_"You took FOREVER to rescue me from Hong Kong. Fei Long and I talked... A LOT."_

...  
Mikhail looked back and spotted the Man In Black following them once again.

"Inconceivable!" Mikhail growled. "Suoh... go kill him!"

**. . . . . **

**. . **

_To be continued..._

* * *

_Next: The Businessman's Bride, Part Two  
_

This story is based on the book and movie "The Princess Bride" (1987). If you haven't seen it, this is one of the best adventure/comedy movies of all time... plus it has a seriously hot hero and some of the best sword fighting you'll ever see. For a sample, go to YouTube and in the search box type: "Princess Bride- As You Wish" for the opening to this movie (2:06) and "Cliffs of Insanity"(3:11) for a sample of the humor and the rope climb up the cliff.

For those who know this movie, here is how I've cast it so far:

Buttercup- Takaba Akihito  
Westley/The Man In Black- Asami Ryuichi  
Inigo Montoya- Lui Fei Long  
Fezzik- Suoh Kazumi  
Vizzini- Mikhail Arbatov  
Prince Humperdinck- Sakazaki  
Count Tyrone Rugen- Yantsui

The rest of the Viewfinder cast of characters has been determined and will be revealed in the next chapter.

Comments on this story would be greatly appreciated!


End file.
